Ok, how would you describe the perfect long distance relationship with a Friend?
This is the scenario- You have or had all these great Friends, you move away or they move away from you. You develope a new community. You have a husband, kids, animals etc... You become busy. Naturally you seem to be completely two different people. But you can't deny the relationship, and the desire to still be friends.
These are the two types of people I have come into contact with-
*Some people can have friends that they don't see or talk to for months. One day the phone rings, you talk like nothing has changed. No awkwardness, no silences but you are excited to talk about all that has happened.
* Then you have other people who need to talk once a week, every few weeks, you get the point, to feel like you are even friends ...
What is to be a grown woman and man and still have friends not living in the same town?
What is the balance?
What are your expectations of your friends?
What do you think God calls you to do?
What is the "grace"?
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Yay! Grace has a blog!... which reminds me that my neglected blog needs some attention.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely fall under the first category of long distance friendship. You know this, but I have alway been terrible at "keeping in touch"... partly because I've never been a fan of talking on the phone for more than 60 seconds... but that's another issue.
When we were kids, we saw each other every day and our lives had tremendous overlap, so it only made sense to talk regularly. As we grow up, move to different places, get married, and have kids... things obviously change. I think married-ness (is that a word?) plays a huge part of not feeling as though you need to talk to every one of your friends at least once a week to maintain a friendship. Your spouse becomes the #1 in your life and best friend. I mean, if were to call all of my friends and talk for say an hour to each of them at least once a week... how much time would I have to spend with my husband after considering work and school?? Not enough.
I think as our lives change, so does the "requirements" of friendship. I would not for one second consider a friendship lost if I didn't talk to that person in months or even a year. But that's easy to say coming from someone who is horrible at keeping in touch. But the truth is, if any one of my close friends from "back in the day" were to call me in need of help or support, I'd be there. No doubt about it. I still consider each and every one of them my friend. But does it go both ways? I guess that's what's in question, now isn't it?
It would be my guess that most people who'd fall into the 2nd category would be those who's lives have had less of a change... maybe they aren't married or still live with their parents.
I think if there is a situation where one friend as a high exception of how often friends are supposed to talk, a conversation and compromise needs to take place. Person A who doesn't believe she must talk to B every week to maintain a friendship needs to understand that B emotionally needs more connection. B needs to understand that A can't promise to speak as often as B would like and not to have hurt feelings when some time passes before talking.
That was confusing...
The balance is probably different for each person. I'd say keep in touch as much as you can without compromising the relationship of your own family. Also make sure it isn't becoming stressful to make sure you've called all the right people in the right amount of time. Your family and well being is your 1st priority. Friends need to understand this.
My personal expectations of my friends aren't that high... but it would hypocritical of me to expect much. I'm probably the worst on the planet when it comes to this. So my own expectations would be to contact each other for big changes in our lives (marriage, babies, moves, etc), and to make an effort to visit when both are in the same town. I would like to say to call at least once every 6mo or so, but since I don't do that, I can't expect my friends to. This is something I've always told myself I need to work on. Maybe I'll get better one day.
God tells me that my husband and kids come first, life responsibilities second, family third, and then friends. Unfortunately, the first 3 take quite a bit of time.
What is the "grace"? Well in the context of this blog post, grace is the privilege of even having friends in the first place. In reality, none of deserve anything and I am very thankful and blessed to have the friends that I do... even though I may not show my gratefulness by keeping in great touch.
I love you, Grace :) and I miss you bunches.
Wow.... I think I got carried away. Sorry about that.
ReplyDeleteThanks Leanna! I love you too and I am so blessed to have you in my life... <3
ReplyDeleteI'm excited for baby...
Hey girl, wow this is a subject that I definitely think about a lot. I see the value of friends that will love me where I'm at but push me to be better! Mike and I have moved twice from church families that we belonged to for years to take up new assignments that God called us to. They were both difficult but in that I see God had others He had for me to come into my life to help shape me into who He has called me to be. There are those few that we stay in touch with who made a deep impact in our lives but not many. It's hard when there are people/friends who don't realize that when life changes (like moving) things will be different. It's not that our feelings change about those friends...it's just a different life now. I appreciate those friends who don't give you guilt trips when you haven't talked in a while and allow you to just "catch up" that shows maturity and love. I think as we grow up and begin new adventures in our lives...it's our true friends there supporting, praying and giving what they have from their hearts that helps us in our journey. I value my friendships...near and far! Love you!
ReplyDeleteGrace I can't say i'm person A or person B. I'm probably right in the middle at this point in my life. I'm definitely been the type that will try to keep contact with someone, holding onto a relationship, whether I'm the only one trying or not. I've also been a person that grows tired doing that and gives up for a while. Now, I struggle with time because I feel like with wedding planning, and emotional preparation for being a wife takes over a lot of the time. Trying to keep up with bridesmaids can be super difficult when they're all in different places, spread out over a few states! But I have to! There's no one else I'd even think about choosing than the people who've seen me through the best and worst times of my life!
ReplyDeleteIn a strange way, I was almost glad that so many people had moved away when Carlos and I started our relationship, just so that I wouldn't feel guilty for spending so much time with him, and so much less time with my friends! On the other hand, I felt like so many pieces of my heart were scattered and I wished I could put them all back in Salinas so that it wouldn't be so hard to keep in touch. There were so many moments I wished I could call someone to grab some starbucks and some good conversation and NO ONE was there! I still look forward to every time a friend comes in to town to catch up on starbucks time.
The sad and yet realistic part of it is that you do move on and forward and you get used to friends not being there. You make new friends, but it won't really be the same because you have to start from the beginning. Which can be fun, but it's almost like, when you've given your heart to so many friends who know you inside and out, how long is it going to take for this new friend to catch up to the standard of friendship you're used to? Superficial conversations can be so unsatisfying in a new friendship when you're used to so much deeper. Don't get me wrong, new friends can be wonderful and surprising. I have to remind myself everytime I feel aprehensive about trying to launch a new friendship that if I hadn't jumped into the Upper Room and Harvestlands groups with open arms and an open heart, I wouldn't have given myself the chance to gain so many wonderful, fun and deep relationships.
So....with all this said (should I just get a blog? haha)
ReplyDeleteWhat's the balance?
Do what you can, when you can. My standard is this...I have a love/hate relationship with the 2-3 hour long catch up session after not talking in a long time. I love talking and catching up, but I hate that it takes that loooooong intro session to get back to a place you used to so easily be at with a friend. I try to keep in contact as best I can to where the catch up time might only be 30 minutes or so. So, whatever it looks like, a text or facebook message that just says "what's up? I was thinking about you, just thought I'd say hi." - or a phonecall, maybe once a month even makes a big difference.
What are your expectations for your friends?
I've learned not to have many expectations for friends. I expect them to love me and be there for me if I call.
What do you think God calls you to do?
Try. I feel like God does put people in our lives for a 'reason, season, or lifetime'. Its taken me a long time to really get that. I tend to put everyone in the lifetime category until they prove not to be for some reason or another. I don't hold anything against them, but I recognize them for the temporary blessing they were in my life. The fact of the matter is, we'll always be family, no matter where we live in reference to one another. We'll always tug on each other's heartstrings. I know this because after going a long time without everyone and then I have a moment in time, a holiday or event that puts us back in Salinas all together, and then everyone leaves - that small moment in time makes things seem so incomplete and empty for a while. You don't realize how much you miss people until they come back into your life, for even a day and then leave. Then you remember, and its that much more painful to see them go. The most random part is, I might not have even made an effort for months to contact these friends, and the same on their end, because we're so busy within our lives. And yet, it will still feel so sad to see them leave again. Then I go back to day-to-day life, and its alright because other people and tasks backfill that...loss of sorts.
What is the grace?
Giving your friends and yourself the room to breathe independently from each other - leaving expectations where they belong, far away from relationships! Expectations will screw you up more often than not. Give each other grace and rely upon the holy spirit to give you a heads up if ever you're feeling smarmy about a relationship thats been put on the back burner for a long time. The fact of the matter is, we have expectations for one another, and communication is key. If those expectations are never voiced, feelings get hurt, friendships get stressed and they unfortunately get put in the "seasonal" category sometimes when they could have been a "lifetimer".
I like this blogging thing, Grace! Keep on writing and I'll keep on checking in. I think I'll start my own.